Are YOU responsible for how your kids turn out?
The one question most parents have — but are afraid of who to ask
Do parents play a certain role in the identity creation of their children?
What is the difference between a good and a bad child?
Does the one sticking to the rules of the house become the apple of your eye and the other who chooses to rebel, the subject of your persistent worry?
Do you find yourself taking credit for how well the first one has been brought up and cursing the internet, the school peers, the neighbourhood kids or just generally the mobile-phone-era for how ill-mannered the other one is?
Or have you been able to take a step back and think — that perhaps there is no difference in your upbringing — they are just trying to express the same things but in different ways? And hoping that you would notice.
When the child ‘listened’…
Till a certain age, though they might throw the occasional tantrum, most children leave key decisions to their parents. When they grow up, these years seem ‘golden’ in hindsight — as if whatever you said was gospel to them then and they ‘listened’ to you. And as soon as that dreaded period of puberty begins, these young infants seem to develop their own independent voices. Much to the chagrin of their parents.
Numerous factors interact with one another in deciding a child’s persona or identity. But It all Begins with Home…
As kids become older and start forming an individuality of their own, their parent's relationship with them becomes a need for careful balance between friendship and authority. As a parent, you may want your child to be able to share her problems without any fear or inhibition. But being as involved in listening to them without judgment is the difficult part of extending such a space.
No matter how repetitive or monotonous it may be, it makes them believe that they have a friend in you, one they can bank upon, all their lives. This creates an everlasting bond of trust and hope but most of all gives true meaning to the word ‘Family’.
The outside is important too:
The very first sight of your baby is You — Her parents. Always remember that day when she first opened her eyes and saw you. You were her first vision. But there is an outside world too and you knew this when you gave birth to her.
While the personality of a child often is a reflection of her parents’ demeanour — Kids learn and observe from their surroundings as well. You continue to remain her role models — someone she looks up to for corroboration of what she is picking up outside. But she does imbibe a lot of unknowns in her subconscious which play out over a period of time.
A study published by Prof. Bettina S. Weise, in the International Journal of Behavioural Development sums this up well :
Adolescents are influenced by their parents as role models, but they reflect and modify these models according to their beliefs and experiences.
But the fact remains... You are their first-ever Influencer:
When children see their parents work together as companions, not just at home but through the course of all obstacles in life, young boys inculcate the concept of equality and respect, regardless of gender differences.
In their mothers, young girls observe strength and tenacity to go through situations and this is where they first begin to learn the values of individuality and independence, regardless of societal norms.
A friendly, supporting home environment with just the right tinge of discipline builds support for the child. Maintaining routines where you eat together as a family, take short breaks together, have a current-affairs discussion over the evening coffee huddle or just have family game nights often, not only help build a bond within the family but also make up a child’s core memories of unconditional love and happiness in a simple, non-extravagant manner.
She was born obedient, did education ruin it??
They go to school, they make friends, they invite squabbles, they experiment and in the process… land up in trouble. But that doesn’t take values and confidence out of the whole equation, does it?
How many times have you jumped a signal or paid charges for delayed bill payments?
You have paid a penalty quietly for your own negligences and forgiven yourself almost immediately. You didn’t lock yourself up in a room or give yourself a ‘no-going-out-with-friends’ this month diktat, because of that negligence. Nor did you believe that you are a lost cause or have no values and ethics at all.
Why? Or shall we ask, why not?
This may seem childish to you or even laughable — but understand — this is exactly the thought that crosses your child’s mind. Why are rules different for you and him?
No we are not saying should you start penalizing yourself heavily or let him go ‘punishment’-free every time one of you breaks the rules. The trick is to find a balance.
And this takes time to implement…
Telling him to ‘go to his room’ is easier, quicker. Screaming at him for faring badly at a test is an outlet for your frustrations. Controlling their social interactions to punish them is a form of self-validation for you. These are like band-aids.. plugging the immediate problem but ending up only as a surface solution. The core issue is never addressed. He resents you, begins to experience a breach of trust, that bond between you and him begins to strain here.. and ultimately snaps.
It was not education or the process of schooling that ruined him. You sent him to learn, he is learning. You sent him to gain experiences and that is what he is picking up. But everything comes in pairs — with good and bad to it.
It is up to you to embrace both — obsessively trying to shield him from the undesired effects of opening up his mind with education will make you feel out of control. Which will make your child feel further directionless.
A lose-lose situation.
Anne Frank once said:
“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.”
Upto a certain level and if done broadly right, good parenting helps to mould the way a child will turn out to be. But the friends and relationships that tag along, the activities and hobbies they indulge in, also influence their journey to adulthood. Parenting is more like guardianship — one where an older individual helps a younger counterpart navigate the difficult yet beautiful roads of life with their own learnings and experience, helping him to crash lesser when they are just learning to drive.
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